28 February 2011

song : pink - fuckin perfect

year 2011,one year older and counting.

sometimes i am amazed by how the brain works. through times as we age, unconciously we change into somewhat another person. i still do not like to use the word mature, i wont say i am but at least, better than what i am before. has different priorities in life, and i've finally learnt the true meaning of being resposible. family bond is important, if you're borned nice and you dont really bite, family are prolly the only people that has ever seen you chew on your brothers arm. i secretly likes it when my sister annoys me, that kiddo has broken the ice-burg that has been accumulated through nasty arguments.

im in debt, in debt with the most important figure in my life. father, where would i be without you? you have raised a difficult child, who screwed up life and once blamed you for every single trouble she has got into. there you were trying your best to reach out me, but i put up a wall.... till now my heart kinda falls everytime i see your sad looking eyes, and those grey hair you never once had. and that fact that when i ran away, that you'd wake up several times in a night to look out the window hoping to see my car parked right at my usual spot....

i am trying my best to be home, though not my bestest and sometimes you might not even seen me at all for a couple of days during the weekend, but thank you for being so understanding.... allowing me to spread my wings....

xmas

Xmas is around the corner, although i do not celebrate Xmas in a Christian's way, but its a festive season where families and loved ones get together, i love all the christmas songs, they never fail to give me the warm fuzzy feeling < 3


also since its the end of the year, bonus times, self-rewarding times, gift for loved ones times etc.

so little money, yet so much stuff to wish for

1. someones birthday present
2. build my pc (can you believe i cant even install adobe photoshop 4)
3. my vespa dream
4. iphone 4 / ipad / itouch (can make up my mind)
5. plans for vacation

how?

magical feeling?

Need that magical feeling so badly right now, i think my period is coming, i am... slightly depressed with ... Um you know, things again.

I just attended my aunts 57th birthday, i come to realise that she has aged, and also shes now suffering from kidney disease, that makes her look even sick and haggard, looking at her does gives me this sour feeling. Prolly its easier to tell in chinese '心酸' in exact. I remember how she watch us grow and now how i watch her turn into this very very sick person, i feel so helpless. I love my aunt as much as i how love my mom. Or maybe more in other sense, put it this way, she was there for me when my mom failed me, failed us, failed the entire world. I cannot imagine myself losing this aunt, my bestest aunt. sigh, not that im not worried bout mom. Shes now 56 but she looks like shes in her early 40s, unlike her, she reminds me of my late grandmother, how she suffered the same kidney failure and went through dialysis for 10 years. What is life? I see people dying nowadays, im scared that one day i'll see non of my elderly relatives anymore, i dont see my familiar celebrities on tv anymore, im scared of death, not my own but the people around me.

As i grow older, i tend to tear very easily, i have soft spots for like dying dogs stories, mother/father and children love kinda thing, lover's stories as well. I was never that person who watch tv and cry on scripted stories. Now i remember how i cried like fuck during 'Marley & Me' when the dog died, and the reanactment of '911' how those family members of missing victims holding pictures by the street looking so lost, and even 'Up' when oldman was telling stories of how his wife died. Sappy me but i guess i now understand why my mom used to cry over stupid scenes from retarded hokkien series.

Sigh can something cheer me up please?

scared

i dropped the isetan job, sigh.. Actually can someone give me a guideline for job interviews? Do we apply 1, called up, go for interview wait then drop the job when theyre not offering much then apply again then repeat the cycle, or apply 100 of them at a time, go for all interviews, go interviews during diff periods and pick the job that calls first?

My second interview at this recent company was also, Stupid, cant believe i actually sounded so bodoh, but they buy it and wants to confirm me already. But i told them i need some time to think, i talked to friends and they thought this company is just simply blood sucking and uses employees as cheap labours. I decided to drop this too, though basic is 600bucks higher and not inclusive of 300bucks allowance. Allowance is definitely too low for the sales job :/ sigh for to myself, bye bye 900bucks, what makes me decide to decline the offer is because they will make us come back to office by 630pm for meeting that might go on up to 10pm and saturday basically u'll spend ur whole day at office. Wtf? And sales target seems to be impossible and im scared, I know beggers cant be choosers but im too afraid. :s

I hope the company near my area calls me up, i can cycle to work and save up on toll, fuel, parking and also food, i could save up around 300bucks, not to forget car maintenance will defo be lower! And please pray that the basic + allowance is higher than my current job, so that i can say adios fuckers!

My perhentian trip is amazing, i didnt want to leave, once i stepped foot back in kl, my heart dropped, i miss being in the water, it gives me this magical feeling, i feel home, ive only been there for a week and it felt like forever, its like i need to get used to this unfamiliar city life all over again. It saddens me very much.

I know i need to get back to reality but sometimes i do question myself what is this life? why am i here in this place that i dont feel belonged? Thats why I need to get a decent paid job, i want to save up to pursue my dream, i need to get away from here pronto!!

hiatus

i know i know, this is definately not the first time going hiatus, hahaha sorry! I've been real busy with work...... Like really lor! Dont believe meh?

Looking at old blogs, makes me realise what kind of person i was, and makes me feel foolish for jotting down those words. But well, its also life and transitions. i might even find this post stupid in 6 months times. i really find it amazing about this being-in-the-world feeling thing, its so surreal, its like 'this is it, its really happening', dont worry im not high on weed.

I can definately say ive turned over a new leaf, although im still lost, but im defo a good girl. Throughout those rough period, i wanna say sorry dad, ive failed you, im sure that i will never do it again. And to my 2nd brother, im so sorry for all those hatred, i know you were very worried and frustrated,and to my bestfriend, we've been through too much to even describe our brotherhood (applicable for sister too lol), appreciate all those catching you were to do just to get me home, though it did put our friendship into jeopardy. I'm sorry for being so bratty and wanting things my way that you decided to give up on me. I know all these words, are barely enough to show how regret am i towards those foolish behavior. Its sad that you've gone, glad that things went better, you even agreed to meet you with your frienemy, my another bestfriend, till today, they still cant get their hands off each other....'s hair.

my one and only colleague, has finally left us, i know we didnt get along well for almost more than half of my employment period, but i grew to befriend her and we're mates now, definately felt the misery having no one to talk to in office, so many times i talked to myself at my own cubicle, forgot that shes no longer seated opposite me. Well i'm also looking for new jobs now, isetan wants to hire me at the same salary level, but with extra working days and extra miles to work and lastly stupid parking. Im already struggling now, i bet it'll be worse. Though i like that gay interviewer/team leader, i forsee that we'll be bffs. Arghh lets not think about it yet.

I heard an old friend is going through divorce/separation, my heart kinda dropped when i knew about it, when i heard her marriage i was glad that someone actually has control of her and maybe can lessen her irrational behavior but looks like ive forgot that separation is more norm than eating rice nowadays.

in 1week plus time, i'll be going on a trip with z, its actually our first to be exact, as we're always with friends. Cool and s and r are joining us few days later. I cant wait to dive in that gorgeous pool. How i wish i can live by that moment.

受

受气多过吃饭，

我每天都在受气，
受了气还得对别人好声好气，
还被别人喷得一脸屁，

我有那么好欺负吗?
!~@#$%^&*(@##@#)_)(*&

panadol

i just took 2 panadols and going to head to bed soon,
Took a 3 hours nap before going out for tea, therefore here i am, so awake

im going to sunway lagoon tomorrow, hopes its gonna be sunny all day, and my throat will be better, its been draggin on for a week and it still hurt :(

had some chat with s.pyi earlier on after dropping off the rest, the pig was hungry, thats why we ended up in banana leaf,

did some talking, and i realised what a failure am i, i have pratically no life goals or aims for future, no money to spend on things and for my loved ones,

dear you, sometimes i really hope that you'd realise you deserve more than this, head faraway, for a better living, better life, why would someone stick to a sloth like me, ive always knew that you like lovely gifts and flowers, whenever i had that in mind, i will open my wallet, pause for a second, sigh and walk away.

lotsa thoughts are running through my head, growing up is such a difficult task, where we have to face all kind of reality and have to bear loads of commitments,

i wish there is a panadol for this :(

dream

nobody can shatter my vespa dream


Earlier this year, my kepala was too big and wanted to buy over an almost 6k vintage vespa bike, which i think again luckily i did not, cause i couldnt even support myself and my SLK very well (definition of SLK : small little kelisa).


All friends been persuading me not to buy it, but i was really stubborn. as I REALLY LIKE THE BIKE. Not having any motorcycle license but already wanting to own it already. tsk tsk tsk

How can you say no to this love?

But recently baby has been persuading to change my direction towards the new vespa, which i saw on road and its cuteness is indescribable. Its like how sara shrieks when she sees patrick oliver and how baby drool over lady gaga.

i wonder if anyone will smack my head if i were to say i'm planning to buy one next year? of course the vintage one, cause its cheap but will be lotsa repairing to do. Dont screw me pwease...

no more Mr.Red :(

will only stick to red color

where?

Current Song : Jie Kou - Jay Chou

Of all that we've been through,
of all.....

am really tired of all the arguments,
its like everything's seems to be going downhill

where are we going?
where are we heading towards?
the vision i have is getting blurry,
I'm drowning,

sometimes i felt like im caging you up,
not wanting you to fly,
i know im too selfish,
maybe its time for you to spread your wings,
to a better place, a better environment..
a better life...

help :'(

ahhhh *relief*

Today z and i went to Pavillion after dinner to meet up with ellen melon, like seriously almost EVERYONE there is stylo, im so depressed.... im feeling so deprived of.. NEW CLOTHES! i passed by every store and felt the stab in my heart... IM SERIOUSLY NEED TO GO SHOPPING! :(

Pavillion has always been known as the hub for stylo cute gay guys, i have only been there for less than 3 hours and i noticed quite a few that checked me out T___T *feeling perasan* and then suddenly i recalled the gay guy from Jonker street who kept talking to me and ignore all my friends *shivers*

Then after supper at the beef noodle's, z and i backside itchy and actually went for massage nearby. despite all the torture i went through, surprisingly i feel great after that. Nothing much on the massage, but the thai ladies are hilarious!!!

Conversation started before she massages me

Thai Lady 1 : you man hansem!
Me : HAHAHAHAHA i'm pu-ying (girl)
Thai Lady 1 : you man hansem!
Me : *chadou* no im pu-ying (girl) not pu-chai (boy)
Thai Lady 1 : you man hansem!
Me : *sien jor* i no man, i am girl

Thai Lady 1 & 2 starts speaking in thai discussing about me

Halfway through the massage
Me : *screams* pain T___T
Thai Lady 1 : you man no ahhhhh
me : *chadou again*

WAH DAMN SLEEPY
IM GONNA SLEEP TILL NOON! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

manila

im back to manila again after the last trip in february 2007. it was a different kind of feeling again, because i was there on duty travel!

this trip is still amazing though there arent much to see. i have opened my eyes after a night at the stripper bar, seeing hamsap uncles go nuts and high. and these people are already married and have grown-up kids. tsk tsk tsk, disgusted.

we were pretty worried for the first few days, worrying about typhoon parma hitting manila. but thank god it passed through another area. i was hoping to get stranded over there so i do not have to work LOL

i just saw the news today that typhoon parma just hit taiwan. starting feel worried as i have some clients over there, wonder if she'd blame me for hardselling taiwan for her last minute trip T____T

.
.
.
.
.
the earth is so angry, that it scares me. natural disasters are never ending since the worst tsunami case happened last few years. earthquake, tsunami, typhoon cases is one after another since then. I wonder whats next, it saddens me knowing the world is coming to an end. not very soon... but not very far away. anyway by then, i'd be dead. The world will be left with beautiful digital pictures only. Sigh....

silence

the silence between my father and i has never been gone ever since all the drama happened a year ago. Time flies, and truthfully saying, i havent done anything constructive on my path.

it was a huge relief hearing from my father, that the expiring roadtax has been taken care of.

it was indeed..a huge surprise, as i thought i'm long forgotten by this family.

and thats when i thought of my mother, that childish bimbotic woman that i had not contacted since February..

Its as if everything happened in a blink of an eye, i still remembering breaking the news to my bestie when we were walking in the mall, and i burst out in tears and got so embarrassed that i could stop.

raya

its 530 am now and im still wide awake, shes already soundly asleep while im here trying to finish up my work. im doing my colleague a favour cause she covered my ass for being late.

Im so demotivated at work nowadays. I hate waking up having to go to office. This feeling is coming back again. I hate the place, i hate the people, i hate how it's structure, i hate how it's managed. Its fuckingly disorganised and im starting to get very sick about it.

:( help me!

laugh die me

omg ive been going on hiatus for almost 2 months and finally decided to share this with everyone.. fucking masterpiece! Only loser people like me and sara will appreciate humour like this! cannot tahan weih, cannot stop laughing at this!

the original - boring *roll eyes*


the impersonator - laugh die me!!!!!!!!

attitude fuck

im so bloody sick of your attitude, so you think everyone deserves to have their face pissed on just because you had a bad day?

Wtf, just as i thought so, u will never fucking say sorry. Think. You are driving yourself away from people that loves u.

a beam of sunlight

sorry to all for the dead blog, have been busy and uninspired onto coming up with a new post.

I shall update you with what's currently happening now, HSBC called back and did not call me again, so i couldn't be bothered anymore. And recently Z has sent my CV to AON Insurance for the Broker position. Basically it is corporate and professional, no calling random people up for sales. And i have got an interview on friday, but truthfully saying i'm very not keen on that job. I'm actually very tired of the 9-to-5's , I want a breakthrough, i may get a salary increment if i get this new job but i tell you, it will never be enough. All the things that i have to pay, i have mentioned once that it is never ending.

Been thinking alot, thinking about future *yes chuanmei, im talking about future too LOL* I mean all the 9-to-5 jobs are seriously going no where, i get fixed income everymonth but what's the point? Somehow it is very stagnant. Besides, thinking of house to buy, car to buy, insurance to buy, everything revolves money and only money! I'm very paranoid now, I'm afraid of what's coming in future.

Been thinking of starting up something, a business it is, but i have no plans yet...

insomnia

sorry for the hiatus, been so busy surviving my job and everyday life.

My 阿姨 is getting better by day, but we are still waiting for the result. :(

Shall go to assunta and entertain her tomorrow :)

exhausted

i am mentally exhausted, all i want to do is just sleep!

***sorry zee avi! i went and download your album on bitcomet! **million apologies***

Besides I went and download Michael Jackson's album as well, wanted to buy the album the other day at the pirated dvd shop, but i was just too cheap! AHAHAHAH














What has happened to the world?
People get kidnapped, people get burnt to death, people telling lies that does not make sense..

so fucking wanna move out of this place...

T____T

HSBC called me already, after so long when i thought i was dropped. They seem very keen on hiring me! I struggled on moving on to this new job or stick with the old one.

DECISION MADE!
I.... cant take it anymore.. I AM LEAVING!

I really cannot stand having to spend ALL my hard earn money on car maintenance, toll, fuel, daily needs etc. I think i deserve to earn more and of course, spend on what i long for, for instance a simple trip, a wonky/dying handphone.... and not to forget to fix my car, again.. T__T

I cant always have to not eat lunch then to spend on car fixing and things i do not wish to pay for! Chaucibai, anyway work is definately shit. I think i do not want to hear anything that sounds like trahh-vell ok, im sick of this.

I've got something in mind.... Thinking thinking thinking~~~ *berangan-angan*

green

Green, I'm feeling very green today. So i decided to greenify my post today. Green is a very ohm colour, it represents nature, earth, tranquility yada yada yada bla bla, to cut it short, it is the colour for MONEY too!! $$$$$$$$$

I'm feeling stucked right now. Referring to my previous post, there are some changes on my job at the moment. HSBC did not call me after the interview, disappointed but relieved as I'm quite reluctant to work at crazy shift hours. Remember how i told my CEO/relative about my pay and never ending debts? Apparently my thoughts were shared among all directors of the company, no wonder the other day after we both came back from lunch, my CEO dragged all directors out for meeting.

Then yesterday, when i was happily doing my work. Suddenly Aaron was shouting from one corner "EH 4 o'clock meeting ya". Then i nodded and resumed my work, as i thought it would be regarding the upcoming Leisure Dept project. So happily at 4pm, i grabbed my pen and note book and head to the meeting room, to found out that the limelight is on me, not the project~!

So I'm going to cut it short, they are going to offer me RM200 of allowance instead of an increment. And Aaron beat around the bush telling me things, in a way i know they are trying to make me stay. After a night of thinking, I felt so wrong about the allowance and personally talked to Mary, my new reporting senior about it.

Then what she told me was, the allowance of RM200, is not some random sympathetic money to be given to poor staff who is starving at the roadside. So I asked why allowance but not increment, then she explained again that they have my salary reviewed twice in half year and it did not seem to be fair to my colleague, Wendy. And then she said that, they are giving this increment as there's an upcoming project and they need me to handle it. (And again, do not want me to leave). And the last explaination is, I just did a mistake which cost RM902.00 and its not appropriate to give me and increment.

Well at least i dont feel so pathetic now. But now my plans are messed and i'm stuck. Initial plan was to get a job and quit my current job, then one fine day i accidentally spilled my beans to Anne the CEO, then *pamMM!* stucked with this job again. Sigh... well at least i got myself an "increment"

:/ aih.....