Gender issues

I've been growing more and more comfortable into what I am today, physically in exact. Aside being larger these days, which is still unacceptable for myself since I last gained about 10kg since I moved to Thailand for the past 2 years, I've been morphing into this look where I think it's been hard for others to identify what gender I am? 

I think, that others could be guessing :-

a) I am a tomboy or 

b) I am a gay boy or 

c) I am a straight boy with a feminine touch

Sorry I didn't meant to boast, but I have quite a fair bit of girls hitting on me and even several gay men! I think they didn't know or was afraid to ask.

It's a good news that the states had just legalized gay marriages, and many people has gained their rights as partners. But here am I, in Asia, still hoping for the same. I know it's still quite impossible for this to happen though.

While at work today, I met this 2 lovely middle aged African American ladies, Van and Lisa, we had a nice small chat and they liked me a lot and jokingly said they'd like to take me back to US in their luggage since I told them that I've never been there and visa is such a pain in the ass for Malaysians. After that I said goodbye thinking I'd never see them again. Well this is my job, I need to be constantly talking to people.

A couple of hours later, they came back and needed my help to speak to the taxi driver to get them back to their hotel since I could speak a little Thai, perhaps it was just an excuse. Before they got into the taxi. Lisa pulled me aside and asked "before we go, we just wanted to ask you something", then she pointed to her rainbow bracelet and asked "in your culture, does this mean anything to you?". I was caught off guard and was a little blur and answered carefully "um.. gay pride?", and I still couldn't get what message is she trying to convey and she continued "we don't mean to offend you, but we've been wondering whole evening... Are you...?", I suddenly got the whole picture and laughed so loud "Of course I am, what have you been thinking?!", then I responded stupidly and asked "are you too??" then Lisa and Van both said "are you kidding? of course we are, why do you thinking we had this bracelet on?". And I was still a little confused as earlier on, Van told me her ex-husband used to work in Malaysia. Then Van continued "I WAS married to him, everyone makes mistakes don't they?" Lisa then jokingly said "and also why do you think I said you're cute and I wanted to put you in my suitcase and take you back to the states?".

It was quite an evening, we chatted a little as they asked how did my parents take it or whether do they know if I'm 'different', I congratulated them on the legalization of gay marriage in their country, we took pictures and they gave me a big hug before leaving.

Before they walked to the taxi, I bitterly told them "I hope the same for Asia. I've been seeing this girl from here, and it seems like there's no way I could stay here or even she could stay in my country". They replied "be patient and keep believing, it will happen one day."

10th December 2012

心痛与无助

New hobby

Since young I've never been a person who bothers about learning how to cook as I've always been pampered with the luxury of a housemaid. Recently we have fired the maid due to so many factors and i am now maidless.

Having no cooked dinner when I get home got me imaginative, i start wondering about recipes, how my favourite food at the restaurant being done at home.

Here's a list of food I have worked on recently!

1) Aglio e olio
2) Poached eggs on toast
3) Mushroom omelette

Will try to work on new dishes wheeee

1Malaysia?

Being born and bred in malaysia, a multiracial country, a nation of segregated races and of social extremes. Though unspoken, but deep down everyone knew the sensitivity of racial issues. Since young we were all taught in school to be kind to each other, but being placed in a chinese primary school, my childhood is practically surrounded by only Chinese, having friends from other races is non existence and I could only hear stories from the textbook featuring ah Chong, Ali and Hassan.

When I entered national secondary school, there I was culture shock a little, so many people of different skin colours. And being Malaysians, we all find our comfort zones by forming cliques of own races, I dare to admit that I was one of them. After a few years throughout high school, through television and magazines influence, I grew to be against racism and social classes, I think everyone should be equal, why one should be judged through their skin colour, background and wealth, we are all only human. I then start to mingle around and adapt from hanging out with the bookstore kakak to listening to malay songs.

After stepping into the society, me being me, naive and thinking I could make a difference, i kept the same attitude towards everyone until one fine day, I got robbed and practically felt cheated, because I put my guards down, two young boys who were merely 18 years old smashed my car window and took my bag, from then on everyone of other races and classes looked like criminals to me, I fear them. I then learn to know the cruelty of the society, you really need to judge someone by their looks, I run whenever a motorcycle passes, I stare at people in fear that they would rob me, I then became what I've been against for - Racist. I get angry at myself sometimes why do I behave this way but I'm left with no choice!

I work near a squatter area, I normally fuel up at the fuel station nearby, i'm always cautious with my bag and lock my car immediately when I get in, there was this fine day, when I just withdrew money from the ATM machine in the fuel station. I ran out quickly afraid someone might be marking me, there was this guy on a motorbike parked right in front of the door, as I walked out he held the door, I was scared and he let me out and gave me a warm smile. I was stunned and return him with a thank you, then I realized what a person have I turned into?

Then it kept me thinking what is the main reason of all these social classes, segregation of race and bad economy? I believe all causes are chained reaction. Simple as it is for racial segregation, language and education plays an important role, we all grew up speaking different languages and cultures and were then put into different schools, for example I grew up only to know about Chinese language and cultures, reasonbeing the decision by my parents because education in national school is incompetent. truthfully speaking i have lived my whole 24 years in malaysia and I don't even know how kadazans sound like and what do they do and eat during their new year celebration? One thing is the rakyats has becomes ignorant at one point when knowing nothing can be done to make a change, one's patriotism has been put off again and again by this disappointing country. Theres when education plays an important role, take for example school should take native language as an optional and focuses on speaking the international language - English. And school should improve the standard of education. You will be surprised how many illiterate still exists in Malaysia? And then why the raise of criminal rate? Because standard of living keeps going up and yet the salary remain the same. All issues from raising one's minimum wage to improving public transportation. Malaysia has been taking its own sweet time whereas other countries is now way ahead of us. Now it's time to forget which race is boss but to focus on the development of our country, screw politics and propagandas, our current EC is too caught up with corruption and they have already forgotten about the rakyats, Truly hoping for a change for Malaysia.

10th August 2011

i wished that human were born without so much emotions, this disappointment is so overwhelming, sigh dont i deserve a little more than that?

15th May 2011

its been sometime since i last spend my weekend alone, though a little uneasy, but i guess im so recharged im all ready for bootcamp tmr :D

Its my last week of bootcamp already, and i wont be continuing for next month :( . Though most of the time i dread bootcamp, but deep down i secretly fell in love with this torturous military training :( sigh.

I will take whole month of june to think whether to resume or not! Hooyahhhh!

money money money, its all about the bucks. Sigh, how i wish i could go somewhere new. I hate where i am now, stucked with routine.

okay im all ready for bed now, gonna hit the sack! Nanites

9th May 2011

im feeling bothered today, this naggy feeling is so annoying, suddenly the world felt like its going to end. There is no purposes in life anymore.

Why?? I need to go out now, and buy my grape flavored ice lolli

28 February 2011

song : pink - fuckin perfect

year 2011,one year older and counting.

sometimes i am amazed by how the brain works. through times as we age, unconciously we change into somewhat another person. i still do not like to use the word mature, i wont say i am but at least, better than what i am before. has different priorities in life, and i've finally learnt the true meaning of being resposible. family bond is important, if you're borned nice and you dont really bite, family are prolly the only people that has ever seen you chew on your brothers arm. i secretly likes it when my sister annoys me, that kiddo has broken the ice-burg that has been accumulated through nasty arguments.

im in debt, in debt with the most important figure in my life. father, where would i be without you? you have raised a difficult child, who screwed up life and once blamed you for every single trouble she has got into. there you were trying your best to reach out me, but i put up a wall.... till now my heart kinda falls everytime i see your sad looking eyes, and those grey hair you never once had. and that fact that when i ran away, that you'd wake up several times in a night to look out the window hoping to see my car parked right at my usual spot....

i am trying my best to be home, though not my bestest and sometimes you might not even seen me at all for a couple of days during the weekend, but thank you for being so understanding.... allowing me to spread my wings....

xmas

Xmas is around the corner, although i do not celebrate Xmas in a Christian's way, but its a festive season where families and loved ones get together, i love all the christmas songs, they never fail to give me the warm fuzzy feeling < 3


also since its the end of the year, bonus times, self-rewarding times, gift for loved ones times etc.

so little money, yet so much stuff to wish for

1. someones birthday present
2. build my pc (can you believe i cant even install adobe photoshop 4)
3. my vespa dream
4. iphone 4 / ipad / itouch (can make up my mind)
5. plans for vacation

how?

magical feeling?

Need that magical feeling so badly right now, i think my period is coming, i am... slightly depressed with ... Um you know, things again.

I just attended my aunts 57th birthday, i come to realise that she has aged, and also shes now suffering from kidney disease, that makes her look even sick and haggard, looking at her does gives me this sour feeling. Prolly its easier to tell in chinese '心酸' in exact. I remember how she watch us grow and now how i watch her turn into this very very sick person, i feel so helpless. I love my aunt as much as i how love my mom. Or maybe more in other sense, put it this way, she was there for me when my mom failed me, failed us, failed the entire world. I cannot imagine myself losing this aunt, my bestest aunt. sigh, not that im not worried bout mom. Shes now 56 but she looks like shes in her early 40s, unlike her, she reminds me of my late grandmother, how she suffered the same kidney failure and went through dialysis for 10 years. What is life? I see people dying nowadays, im scared that one day i'll see non of my elderly relatives anymore, i dont see my familiar celebrities on tv anymore, im scared of death, not my own but the people around me.

As i grow older, i tend to tear very easily, i have soft spots for like dying dogs stories, mother/father and children love kinda thing, lover's stories as well. I was never that person who watch tv and cry on scripted stories. Now i remember how i cried like fuck during 'Marley & Me' when the dog died, and the reanactment of '911' how those family members of missing victims holding pictures by the street looking so lost, and even 'Up' when oldman was telling stories of how his wife died. Sappy me but i guess i now understand why my mom used to cry over stupid scenes from retarded hokkien series.

Sigh can something cheer me up please?